On this page of HUMOUR...

- Witty Words of Wisdom
- Bumper Stickers
- Quotes from Federal Employee Performance Evaluations
- "Mother-in-law's mule"
- "Irish Catholic Dog"
- "Morris' God"
- Great Truths about Life...from little children
- Great Truths About Life...from adults

Witty Words of Wisdom

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Bumper Stickers

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* All men are idiots ... I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to GET you.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'... till you can find a rock.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.


1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig".

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot,"

12. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

13. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

14. "A room temperature IQ."

15. "Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

16. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

17. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."

18. "A prime candidate for natural dissection."

19. "Bright as Alaska in December."

20. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Fell out of the family tree."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "He's so dense, light bends around him."

26. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

31. "One neuron short of a synapse."

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

33. "Takes him 18 hours to watch 60 minutes."

34. "Was left on the tilt-a-whirl a bit too long as a baby."

35. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

36. "If he were responsible for teaching mankind to reproduce, we would be the world's last generation."


Other Laughs...


Good Irish Catholic Joke

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical, and all tests were okay.
The doctor say's, Morris, your great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and do you have a good relationship with God!

Morris replied, "God and me are tight, we are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, "Poof" the light goes on when I go to the bathroom, and "Poof" the light goes off when I leave.

"Wow, commented the docter, that's incredible.
A little later the doctor called Morris's wife.
Becky, he said, Morris is just fine! Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "Poof" the light goes on in the bathroom, and then "Poof" the light goes off when he leaves?

Becky replied, "The darn fool, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

  * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

  * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

  * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

  * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

  * You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

  * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

  * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

  * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

  * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

  * School lunches stick to the wall.

  * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

  * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

  * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.


  Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

  * Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

  * There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
         For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

  * Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

  * The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant   atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

  * Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

  * Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

  * Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

  * Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

  * Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

  * My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

  * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

  * One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

  * If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

  * Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

  * You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

  * Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

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