On this page you will find...
- Surgeon's Perfect Patients
- IDIOT(ic) Labels
- Getting the Right Parts
Surgeon's Perfect Patients
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, every thing inside is numbered."
The second surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third responds, "Try electricians, Man! Everything inside THEM is color coded!"
The fourth intercedes: "I like engineers - they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the last surgeon, who is quietly listening to the conversation, finalizes:
"You're all wrong, Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."
IDIOT(ic) Labels
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Getting The Right Part
A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars.
Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present.
The producers really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him."
The producers were pleased.
"Splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?".
Arnold says...
"I'll be Bach."
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