but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned--
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation
with all of my might.
Tossing and turning
with anticipation,
the thought of a snack
became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen,
flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge,
full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey
and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots,
beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling
so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling,
floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding
and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees.......
"Happy eating to all---
pass the cranberries, please!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8:
6:00 PM. it started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge snow flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
'This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night.
The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life.
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast.
Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning.
Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt a bunch. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing.
Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night.
More shovelling. Took all day.
Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white suff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to O.
'The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!?!?!?
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his heels.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #%&*$@ slop tonight.
Snowed in.
The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.
I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in.
Why did I ever move here?
It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -50.
Still snowed in.
THE WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches.
Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in.
The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother.
9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shovelling.
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
December 12:
December 14:
December 16:
I think they're lying.
I think they're lying.
I think he's lying.
December 22:
I think he is lying.
I think she's lying.
December 27:
December 28:
December 29:
December 30:
December 31:
January 8:
...for MORE
HUMOUR!!!