On this page you will find...
- SIGNS You Have Had Too Much of the 90's
- HAZARDS of BREAD
- Is This YOU? NETAHOLICS CHECKLIST
SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's
______________________________
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.
3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.
5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks
6. Most of your books are bought online.
"Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the opposite sex.
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.
11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you.
"Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut"
13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Hazards of Bread
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read,
"Smell of baked bread may be health hazard."
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? When is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
1. More that 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and, diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in less than a month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,gooey, bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are uttlerly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
Is This You? NETALHOLICS CHECKLIST
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
15. After reading this message, you email it to your friends
...for MORE
HUMOUR!!!
...to RETURN to HUMOUR INDEX
...to RETURN to MAIN PAGE