On this page you will find...

- Bravo ... Captain!

- Things To Do...At A Drive Through

- Tips for Northerners Moving South

Bravo ... Captain!

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships.

The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain:
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?"

The captain replied:
"If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.

The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted:
"Bring me my brown pants!"

Things To Do
... At A Drive Through

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

Drive through backwards.

Belch your order.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape.
Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

Walk through.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the microphone, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Repeat everything the order taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items,
i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you.
Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window.
When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

One word: Flatulence!

Have a friend hide in the trunk.
When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order.
See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

Tips for Northerners moving South

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. 
You will be instructed later how to use it.

2.  If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".  
You have a 75% chance of being right.

3.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4.  If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 
Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. 
Don't try to help them.  Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

7.  Remember: 
"Y'all" is singular. 
"All y'all" is plural. 
"All y'all's" is plural possessive.

8.  Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are  you?"

9.  People walk slower here.

10.  Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone.
They don't understand you either.

11.  The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. 
One hundred percent are in denial about it.

12.  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

13.  Be advised: 
The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

14.  If you hear a Southerner exclaim,
"Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way.

These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15.  Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

17.  If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

18.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. 
When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. 
This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

19.  In southern churches you will hear the hymn,
"All Glory, Laud and Honor".
You will also here expressions such as,
"Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

20.  As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

21.  You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, or where Aunt Loany wreaked the tractor you're better off trying to find it yourself.

22.  No use buying the newspaper. 
Just go to the local hardware store where a bunch of men sitting in rocking chairs will be able to give you any news you might need to know.