On this page you will find...

- These Puns...INTENDED!

- The BOSS is a JOKE!

- Confucious Say...

These PUNS...intended!!!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that...
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* *

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
* *

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender,
"How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies,
"For you, no charge."
* *

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other,
"Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
* *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* *

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
* *

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
* *

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
* *

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
* *

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, them I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies:
"It's very simple. You're two tents,"
* *

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth Mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,
"But they're twins -- if you've see Juan, you've seen Amal."
* *

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check.
As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up, to see where it came from, in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

As she was very attractive, he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said,
"I've had a marvelous evening. Wouldn't you like to stay longer?"

The man hesitated then said,
"Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

The Boss is a Joke!


When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.  

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

When you send jokes it's junk mail,
When your boss sends jokes it's humor !

Confucious Say...

1. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Not everyone has film.

2. When the chips are down. The buffalo is empty.

3. Seen it. Done it. Can't remember most of it.

4. Those who live by the Sword - get shot by those who don't.

5. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

6. He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged!

7. She's always late.  Her relatives arrived on the June Flower.

8. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say, can and will be misquoted and used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

12. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

13. I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

14. Save the Whales.  Collect the whole set.

15. Atheism is a non-Prophet organization.

16. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

17. Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU are still an idiot.

18. He who laughs last thinks slowest

19. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

20. Time is what keeps everythng from happening all at once.

21. Out of my back in five minutes.