On this page you will find...
- Kids Say the Funniest Things
- GEN-X/Baby Boomer Time Warp
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Kids Say the Funniest Things
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
Where's the English Channel? I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.
The Truth About Romance
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
- Kally, age 9
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
- Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with."
- Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"
- Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
- Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
- Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids."
- Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
- Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
- Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
- Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!"
- Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." - Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."
- Howard, age
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
- Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
- Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
- Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"
- Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together."
- Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
- Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
- Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."
- Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
- Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!"
- Roberta, age 7
GEN-X/Baby Boomer Time Warp
YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN THE BABY BOOM AND GEN X IF .....
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.
4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger... When I was your age...You know, back when...
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace"
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."
21. You've shopped at a United Colors of Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
26. You had a front row seat for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot JR.
29. Loves Baby Soft was in every girls' Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.
32. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
33. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
35. "All skate, change directions," means something to you.
36. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli.
38. You owned a preppy handbook.
39. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick-sized packages of Bazooka gum.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke.
45. VCRs cost $2,000.
46. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember rotary dial telephones.
48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to you on occasion (BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKING ON AIR...)
50. "Members Only" Jackets ... say no more.
Thomas S. Ellsworth
Life can only be understood backwards,
but it must be lived forwards.
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