On this page you will find...
- Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
- Rocket Scientists?
- Technology for Country Folk...
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
1. I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines.
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you?
How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress.
I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,'cuz,
like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Rocket Scientists?
Just thought everyone would like to know where their hard earned tax dollars are going!
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britians sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence:
"Thaw the chicken."
Technology for Country Folk
1. LOG ON:
Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF:
Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR:
Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD:
Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ:
When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC:
Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM:
That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE:
Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT:
Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS:
Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN:
Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE:
Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP:
Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:
Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM:
Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX:
Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP:
Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD:
Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE:
Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE:
Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME:
Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT:
Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER:
Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:
Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD:
That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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